We all have parts of ourselves that cooperate and conflict with differing experiences, beliefs, and motivations. Most of the time, they can cooperate enough where we can live our lives in relative peace. But sometimes, two parts are so diametrically opposed to each other--like vegans and hunters--that we need to put purposeful effort in resolving the inner conflict.

This is exactly what Jay Early's book, Resolving Inner Conflict seeks to do. It gives an actionable step by step process for healing polarized parts using the principles of Internal Family Systems Therapy. If you haven't already read my introduction article to IFS I highly recommend you check that out before diving into this as it will give you the necessary foundation to understand this article. Let's look at how it works.

Steps To Resolving Inner Conflict:

Step 1: Identify Polarized Parts

Step 2: Unblend From All Polarized Parts

Step 3: Get To Know All Polarized Parts

Step 4: Decide How To Depolarize:

• Option 1: Heal an exile related to a protector
• Option 2: Enter a depolarization dialogue

Step 5: Facilitate The Depolarization Dialogue:

• Have each part state its position and fears and the other part respond accordingly
• Continue the process until the positions fears are clear
• Have each part reveals the exile it's protecting
• Have either the part, the self, or the therapist suggests a resolution
• Each part considers the resolution and brings up concerns and suggestions for improving it
• The part negotiate with each other and self in order to come to a resolution they can agree to

Step 1: Identify Polarized Parts

Identifying polarized parts is easy: when conversing with a part, see if there is a general feeling that another part wants to stab that part with broken glass. It might not be that drastic but polarized parts are in a fundamental conflict with each other. Most parts have a degree of conflict but polarized parts are so opposed to each others aims its hard to make strides in IFS without working on their polarization.

There might be more than two! Often polarized parts show up in 2 v 1 or 2 v 2 or more arrangements.

Step 2: Unblend From All Polarized Parts

Once you have identified the polarized parts, you want to make sure you are in Self so you can get to know them. Ask yourself how you feel regarding each part.

If you feel anything aside from compassion and curiosity, it's possible you are blended with one of the parts. Ask that part you're blended with to step aside. If it's resistant, tell it you can only get to know the other part if you are in Self and you might be able to heal the polarization making the whole psyche more integrated. Plus you'll give it cinammon cookies.

Step 3: Get To Know Each Polarized Part

This step is very similar to the same step in the normal IFS process. Choose one of the polarized parts, take your Sherlock Holme's magnifying glass and chat with it:

• Does the part have some name, bodily experience, or image?
• Is the part protecting you from something?
• What are the parts goals?
• How is the part feeling?
• How old is the part?
• What are you afraid would happen if you didn't perform your role?
• What are you protecting me from?

Step 4: Decide How To Depolarize:

Once you've gotten to know all the polarized parts, you have two options for how to depolarize the situation:

• Option 1: Heal an exile related to a protector
• Option 2: Enter a depolarization dialogue.

Option one can work because often by healing an exile related to a protector, that protector will become less emotionally valent and therefore less polarized with the other parts. If you choose option one, simply go through the regular Exile healing steps.

It's up to you intuitively which you feel is better.

Step 5: Facilitate The Depolarization Dialogue

If you choose option two, you must get permission for the dialogue before starting. Once both parts have agreed make sure you are in Self and facilitate the dialogue as follows:

• Have each part state its position and fears and the other part respond accordingly
• Continue the process until the positions fears are clear
• Have each part reveals the exile it's protecting
• Have either the part, the self, or the therapist suggests a resolution
• Each part considers the resolution and brings up concerns and suggestions for improving it
• The parts negotiate with each other and self in order to come to a resolution they can agree to

You want to ensure during this process both parts feel heard and accepted. If one part doesn't feel the other part is hearing it out, it might become defensive or shut off.

Step 6: Following Up With Polarized Parts

Coming to the resolution isn't enough. You must still follow up with the polarized parts later on to see how they are feeling about its integration. Healing an exile related to them might have opened up a deeper exile that needs healing. They might be disatisfied with how the integration is going, etc.

The hope is that by the end of this process, the polarized parts will be less antagonistic toward each other. At the very least, even if the resolution doesn't work out, your parts will understand the other parts position with greater compassion.