Reflections On My Second Joint Experience

On Sunday, September 1st, 2024, I smoked half a joint on my own.

You're not allowed to smoke on Cornell campus, and I like not having a legal record, so I ventured a little outside, smoked the joint, and then walked back in. There were many things I was thinking about regarding this experience.

Firstly, it was the first time I was ever doing a drug experience alone. I was going to do it with a good friend of mine that night, but she went to a birthday party instead. Because I had already mentally prepared myself for a trip (so important), I decided I would experiment with what it's like to go on my own. However, this made me fearful as well because I knew from my [[Reflections On My First Psychedelic Weed Experience|first joint experience]] how much paranoia you could have if you weren't careful.

Secondly, I wanted to meditate on a few questions that were present in my mind. My girlfriend had broken up with me a week earlier, and I was heartbroken. Over the last few days, I have been talking to friends about what I could learn from the relationship and how I should think about dating going forward. A few questions came up for me during this process:

• How can I feel more connected with myself, others, and the Universe as a whole? This will allow me to feel others' love when I can't feel it as much myself.
• How can I be authentically me in an interaction?
• How can I open my heart to potential partners rather than closing it in defense?
• And finally, why do we shower after going in the pool? We’re only making ourself more wet?

How I could open my heart, in particular, was important to me. I noticed from my two breakups that one thing I do to "heal" myself is go out on many dates--not to prove that I'm worth something but more to fill the hole I now feel should be filled by a romantic partner. The problem is this makes it harder to reflect on my last relationship, and it makes it harder to be emotionally present with all the new girls I'm dating.

After smoking half the joint, I sat on a log and stared around. It was starting to get dark, and most people seemed to be inside because it was incredibly quiet. Once I felt like it was starting to hit, I turned around only to see four deer staring at me intently. A bizarre thought came to my head: it's the Universe welcoming you back to the tripping world, hi! These woodland creatures were part of a woodland cult organized to welcome any drugged person around the Cornell campus into the drug world.

I laughed, and began walking back to campus. Like in [[Reflections On My First Psychedelic Weed Experience|first psychedelic weed experience]], the world started to get a little more stimulating, but it was much tamer this time—the weed I had was way stronger back then.

I walked to Beebe Lake and sat down on my favorite chair overlooking the water. It was so quiet. The water slothed bellow, and the soft rustling of the leaves created a pleasant sensation in my ear. Looking back, this was a great idea. The set and setting for a trip are so important, and by putting the first part of my trip at a place where I have such incredible associations (I've probably walked around that lake 600+ times), I gave the rest of the trip good vibes.

Even so, I had some paranoia. Multiple times, a few random students, parents, or staff walked by. I remember distinctly having the thought: oh no, are they going to know I smoked weed? Are they going to call the cops? I imagined helicopters coming overhead with teams of police roping down, AR15s in hand, and search dog teams barking around the lake.

This made me realize while I don't do so that often throughout my regular days, sometimes I put too much stake in what potential partners think of me. I'll find myself analyzing if I'm doing well in an interaction, thinking about if the person is potential girlfriend material, etc. But the best interactions I've had have always been where I don't think. I just do. The girl seems to sense the presence because they also tend to like me more.

Happy about my insight, I got up and began walking back to my apartment where I planned to listen to music. While walking back, I looked at the trees, sidewalks, squirrels, and more with new eyes—the eyes of a child.

I remember having a cataclysmic insight: Ithaca is so, god damn, hilly. No—although it really is—it’s so beautiful…

I can't believe so many students pass it up while walking around campus, earbuds in, not even realizing the insanity of consciousness. I mean—imagine if we were all squirrels. Squirrels wouldn't have the same degree of consciousness as we get to have. Taste, touch, sight, smell, hearing, intuition, and more; it's insane. Although I did see a squirrel chasing another squirrel which does give them one thing—they have a better social life than most of the engineering and computer science students.

I already walk around campus with my earbuds out most of the time, but I made an added point of admiring the wonders of consciousness more often while doing so. A Hindu idea popped up for me when I thought of this: Nishkama Kara—following through with an action not expecting anything in return. Desireless action.

This type of action creates no bondage. No attachment. One can be in the world without having their Ego fundamentally tied to it. When I feel at my best while doing an activity, it's when I'm doing the activity for the sake of it in itself. Like writing for the sake of writing. Or admiring consciousness for the sake of admiring consciousness walking outside. Ultimately, I'd like to get to a point in my life where everything I do feels like I'm doing it for its own sake rather than out of necessity to be able to do something else. Unfortunately, I'll have to find a consistent income stream before I can do that.

Once I was back in my room, I sprawled out on my bed and began playing the playlist I tailored beforehand for the experience. I knew music had a powerful effect on your mood even outside a trip, but I was mystified by how much it influenced the rest of my experience. Depending on the song I played, I came to completely different insights—it was so cool! It made me realize how helpful it is to set up a playlist beforehand because if I didn't have those songs ready, I might have listened to something sinister and put myself in a bad headspace.

This gave me another insight as well: the importance of preparation and reflection on drug experiences. If I hadn't come up with reflective questions before going in, I wouldn't have had nearly the degree of insights I did. It's all because I put myself in the right setting, and I was able to have a good time.

One song I listened to was Rewrite The Stars, about two lovers trying to mesh their differing life paths together to make their relationship work. It almost made me cry because it reminded me of my relationship with Reagan, the girl who broke up with me the week before. She was too career-focused where, as I was in a season of relationships, making the level of intimacy I wanted impossible to achieve. So, she broke up with me before it got any worse.

In many ways, we were those two lovers on differing paths, trying to mesh them together and failing. The song helped me feel the sadness I had for the breakup as well as made me realize some of the unhealthy tendencies I have for handling breakups. As I said earlier, I tend to go on a dating frenzy after a breakup, which makes it harder for me to reflect on the relationship I was just in. I made an intention with this song to not only date fewer people at a time but to give myself more time to reflect on the relationship.

Another song I listened to first was the Eye Color Ballad, which talks about what makes each individual eye color beautiful. The point of the song is finding the beauty in who you are. I'd heard it a million times, but hearing it while high made me truly feel as if I just showed myself, others, and the Universe love, then it would give me the romantic partner I'm looking for at some point. Perhaps not in the next few months, or even years, but at some point. And when I found her, I would be overjoyed.

One more song I listened to was Machine Learning, which describes the journey of a woman who learned to be socially competent by memorizing "interaction rules" but lost her authenticity in the process.

I realized, to some extent, I was doing similar things in my interactions with romantic interests. At times I found myself resisting talking about a certain interest—like video games—or expressing a certain emotion because I was scared it would turn them off. This can only hurt both of us. I don't get to feel as genuine in the interaction and they get a false impression of me. I need just to be myself. If they didn't love me for who I am, we wouldn't have been right anyway.

Finally, I listened to Art Is Dead by Bo Burnham, which is about how some artists have become egotistical narcissistic children screaming for attention on social media platforms and how much art consumers have turned mindless in the internet age.

This song resonated deeply with the struggles I have been going through in content creation over the last few years. I feel I'm creating better and better videos—more authentic, better edited, and more actionable. And yet, my videos aren't getting the attention I feel they deserve. Instead, these shitty, attention-grabbing posts get all the rave.

Listening to this song, I made peace with it. I wouldn't become one of them just to get more attention. What's the point of creating content if it adds to the shit content void? Instead, I would ask myself two questions before I created anything:

1. Am I the right person to create this?
2. Is this adding something valuable to the world?

I didn't think I would come to this insight from the high—I never had it as a reflecting question. But I was thinking about it in my subconscious anyway. I guess you never know what to expect from a trip.

Overall, the trip was a highly pleasant experience.

I don't think I'll do it alone again anytime soon (but now I know I can)—I don't like the idea of becoming reliant on weed. But I'll definitely be getting high with some friends over the semester. I'm interested in exploring questions like:

• How can I feel more love for those around me?
• How can I develop my humor?
• How can I feel more connected with the Universe?