⚒️AIP 114 I’ve Become Too Productive And It’s Hurting Me

How much longer should I hang out before reaching diminishing returns?

What highest leverage thing can I do while waiting in the coffee line?

Will this vacation optimally rest me or would some video games do the trick?

These are the types of questions which flood my mind. Every moment. Every day. They haunt me when I'm walking around Beebe Lake, conversing with a friend at Morrison dining hall, or taking a cold shower, pestering me like that rogue pebble settling its home in the bottom of your shoe.

It all stems from that one word: productivity. Not in the hustle culture blue-light glasses kind of way. I define productivity by the degree my actions align with my values.

And that, makes it so much worse...

When every moment of every day of every week can be rated by how well it aligns with my values, productivity turns into a spreadsheet-coded game where the only win condition is squeezing the most meaning out of the least amount of time, and then, of course, optimizing how I squeezed it.

Rest is interrogated for how well it recharges me. Relationships become projects validated on how much I can learn while sparking growth for them and deepening our connection. Work is a training ground for building my focusing ability and making a positive change in the world. Even presence—presence for fucks sake—is a performance review. Did I meditate enough today? Did I let go efficiently?

On the outside I don a Golden Retriever mask because one of my values is inspiring others to be better. But in the war halls of my mind, conflicting parts clash together, dressing themselves in the blood of restlessness and anxiety. How can one meaningfully rest when oneself is constantly asking the question of if that rest can be productive? How can one lock themselves into one career path when one is constantly asking themselves the question if it's the one that most aligns with their values?

The solutions, as is so often the case, is simple to say and yet offensively difficult to implement: stop maximizing productivity.

Oh, if only productive thinking were a pair of shoes I could take on and off, alongside the pebble lodged inside.

A prideful part of me believes it’s this very productivity mindset which has brought me this far in life. This is the part of me who believes I have a duty to do good in the world because I’ve grown up with so much privilege–a privilege that has played a large role in how I’ve been able to build such emotional, intellectual, and social maturity. In high school, I used to be addicted to video games, YouTube rabbit holes, and procrastination—the classic trio. When Covid-19 hit, I forged a new identity in the fires of quarantine from a book alloy of “Atomic Habits,” “Flow: The Psychology Of Optimal Experience,” and “Deep Work.” Even when I shed this self-improvement work identity I switched to being productive in more spirituality and relationships. The worst part is it worked. Throughout my 21 years on this planet I’ve created 100s of YT videos, podcasts, blog posts, four courses, participated avidly in more than ten clubs, learned tens of random technical and creative skills, and had a myriad of incredible girlfriends, friends, and mentors.

The part fears if I let go of this productivity mindset and let myself act more as a “human being” rather than a “human doing,” I won’t be able to do the incredible amount of things I’ve done in life already. I'll revert to some extent back to my video game addicted non-productive self. I'll feel okay, with feeling okay, not perfectly aligning my values with my actions.

Does it have to be this way?

After lots of yes, thinking, and conversations with many of my closest relationships, I don’t think so. As one of my favorite fantasy series The Stormlight Archives says, I must prioritize “Journey Over Destination.” Except this time, the journey itself must be the end, instead of a journey toward even better productivity.

This will be hard, excruciating actually. But I believe there is a world in which I can continue to be productive without having to optimize the productivity, letting go off the restlessness and anxiety which have become the sea I sail through life in. I don’t exactly how to reach that world, but I have a few ideas.

Firstly, I'm leaning into sacred deep work hours.

I function best in the morning and early afternoon meaning those hours are the best time for me to do my deep work. If I can get a solid three to four hours of deep work in during a day, I feel so much more relaxed letting my productive guard down later on, in work related things at least.

Secondly, I'm experimenting with radical presence in my relationships.

To be with people—not to help them grow, or deepen our connection, or optimize my learning—but just to be with them as they are.

Thirdly, I must relegate this productivity thinking to more confined times.

The obvious period is during my weekly, monthly, quarterly, and yearly reflections. This frees me to be more present during my days because I have the assurance I will check myself during my reviews.

To be truthful, I’m scared. I’ve constructed so much of my identity in the productivity of aligning my values with my actions. Who am I if that gets hurt from this new shift? Perhaps the most important value action alignment I need now is to stop valuing being so maximally productive. The pebble still presses into my foot. But maybe the lesson isn't to remove it. Maybe it’s to walk anyway. To dance, even. Pebble and all.