I sometimes imagine my psyche as an awful family reunion: a conglomeration of parents lecturing children, awkward exchanges with uncles who remark you've grown so much since they last saw you (It's been six months), and third cousins thrice removed (whatever the hell that means).

All these family members have different motivations, experiences, and ways of navigating life. We like to label these differences as good or bad. When this judgment is met with antagonism from our family, we often feel we are in the right. Leaving the reunion we say "can't wait to see you again" secretly praying we get hit by a bus on the way out.

You might laugh at the irony, and yet we perform this exact ritual in our heads every single day. Different parts of our psyche battle in the war ground of our mind, using spears of intellectualization, maces of anxiety, and hammers of judgement.

It's fucking crazy up there.

Just like can happen with distant family, we often judge these parts as good or bad. Unwilling to listen to the bad parts, we spend years avoiding them as their negative emotions pile up in a garbage heap and come crashing down in the form of "bad mental health."

A few months ago, I ventured from my hobbit hole looking for a different way. Something that navigates not only the problems most people have swimming through their psyche, but also the problems with many mainstream therapies. Many mainstream therapies like CBT rely too much on analytically figuring out ones self-limiting beliefs--often seen as "the enemy"--and intellectualizing them away with proof they are false. Others like focusing rely almost entirely on somatic body sensation and dismiss intellectualizing entirely.

I found Internal Family Systems, developed by Richard Schwartz.

Internal Family System encourages compassion, curiosity, and respect for every one of your parts, while leveraging a more holistic set of tools for healing them.

Stop. Think about how radical that is. Instead of seeing any of your parts as "bad" or "good" you see them all as trying to help you navigate through life. Some simply get stuck in the past and are misguiding you in the present.

I've been experimenting with IFS over the last few months and am continually astounded at its power. I've healed parts of me pained from years of terrible dieting, parts of me scarred from online dating, and parts of me terrified at navigating my career after college.

So, how does it work?

IFS is built on the foundation that we are made of a multiplicity of selves. We aren’t the same around our parents as we are around our best friends. I’m not the same in my childhood hometown of Hamilton as in Cornell University. I'm definitely not the same as when I'm tripping on mushrooms. Our psyche is made up of a conglomeration of parts with their own experiences, motivations, and beliefs, all competing and collaborating to try and help us navigate this thing called life.

In IFS, there are two different types of parts.

Firstly, exiles, like wounded animals resting in a cave, they're our youngest, most vulnerable, parts created from unprocessed experiences.

Secondly, protectors, like ancient sentinels--armor built from years of pain--dedicated to protecting our exiles from harm.

Most of the time, our parts help us live well, but sometimes, they can make us feel, think, or do things that aren’t in our interest. This occurs when our parts become what Schwartz calls burdened. Burdening is carrying our wounds like weights around our waists, so used to living with unprocessed experiences and limiting beliefs, we don't even realize they're there in the first place.

For example, you have a bad break up and you start believing all woman or men should burn in the fiery pits of Tartarus. You win a few too many awards as a kid, and a part of you begins to crave achievement above all else. You start laughing at your own jokes because you bombed in stand-up and are scared people will find you unfunny, ha, ha--

ha.

Burdened parts aren’t inherently bad—everyone has them. The problem comes when we do what Schwartz calls blending with the part. When we blend with a part, we become like an actor who's forgotten they're on stage--so deep in character they can no longer tell where the role ends and they begin. This means we give the part undue ability to influence our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors. Many of the horrible things that have happened and are happening in the world result from people blending with their misguided parts.

Luckily, behind all the burdened parts rests an endless ocean of presence, its depths untouched by the waves that crash above--The Self, or as I like to call it, Keanu Reeves.

The Self is what exists when you unblend from all the rest of your parts. It's fundamentally, curious, calm, confident, compassionate, creative, courageous, insightful, and connected. The core process of IFS is in embodying Self, and using it to heal and integrate our various parts to navigate life better. Let's dive into the IFS process for doing this so we can work toward creating a more holistic family system.

The IFS Process

The IFS process is done in roughly the same order every time. When first learning the process, it can be helpful to do it with someone else, like my coaching friend who is knowledgable about IFS, but as you do it more and more it will become more intuitive and you might be able to do it by yourself.

Here is the seven step process for most IFS sessions:

• Step 1: Focus On A Part
• Step 2: Assess A Part
• Step 3: Unblend From Any Parts
• Step 4: Getting To Know A Protector
• Step 5: Getting Permission To Work With An Exile
• Step 6: Getting To Know An Exile
• Step 7: Integration

Let's go through each more in depth.

Step 1: Focus On A Part

There are three main ways to do this.

First, you can focus on a part you already have a relationship with. For example, Aurelius--the part of me which strives to be virtuous in every situation--comes easily to mind if I ask to talk to him because I've spoken to him so much we might as well be drinking buddies. Also I can't grow a beard and Marcus Aurelius had a pretty fire one so maybe interacting with him will vicariously bless me with beard genetics.

Second, you can bring the parts in your current experience to mind. This is the best option if you are currently feeling a lot of emotion from something which has happened recently.

Thirdly, you can follow a trailhead. A trailhead is a image, memory, or general thinking over a problem your experiencing that could bring up related parts. For example, imagining what I'm going to do after college brings up a lot of related parts which I can talk to.

Step 2: Assess A Part

It's possible the previous step brought up a myriad of parts. These parts could show up as thoughts, abstract feelings, bodily sensations and more. How do you choose which one to talk to? It's entirely intuitive. Your subconscious contains a vast degree of wisdom if you are willing to let it speak. Talk to the part that feels most relevant to the moment.

Once you've chosen a part to focus on, take your Sherlock Holme's magnifying glass and assess it.

• Does the part have some name, bodily experience, or image?
• Is the part protecting you from something?
• What are the parts goals?
• How is the part feeling?
• How old is the part?

Step 3: Unblend From Any Parts

During this assessing process, you should check if you are blending. Are you charged with the parts feelings or beliefs?

You can tell you're blended if you're experiencing anything which would come from seeing your ex--in other words, not being in Self. For example, when talking to a intellectualizing part of me, I might blend with a judgmental part of me, get annoyed at how this part has affected my life and become that annoyance. This is the most common type of blending, concerned part blending. Concerned parts are parts that are concerned about the effect other parts have on our lives.

If this happens, ask the part you are blending with to kindly eat a bag of hamsters. If it doesn't want to:

• Explain the value of separating: it will help you heal and integrate your parts together
• Ask, what are you afraid would happen if you didn't separate?

Sometimes, parts get into a particularly antagonistic mode of being toward each other, polarization. When this happens, it can be helpful to actually put the parts in dialogue with each other so they can understand each other and come to some sort of agreement for how to move forward. Explaining how to do a depolarization dialogue is out of the scope of this article but I highly recommend Resolving Inner Conflict by Jay Early if you're interested.

Step 4: Getting To Know A Protector

It's possible the part you are talking to is an exile, although it's much more likely you will first talk to the protector which protects that exile. You can tell which is which because exiles are burdened with negative emotions where as protectors work to protect exiles from feeling more of those emotions.

Before we can get to know the exile we need to understand the protector more. Like dating, you can't just jump straight to the "so, wanna clash meat together and make little humans?" with your parts. You need to buy them roses and cook them a candle lit wine dinner first.

Once you're sure you are in Self, and know you're talking to a protector you can get to know it by asking these questions as well as the questions from assessing a part if you feel they are relevant:

• What are you afraid would happen if you didn't perform your role?
• What are you protecting me from?

Step 5: Getting Permission To Work With An Exile

After you have built some trust with the protector you can get permission to work with the exile its protecting. First, ask for permission to get to know the exile.

• Common rejections protector will use and how to address them:
  • I won't have a role if you heal the exile. Tell the protector it can adopt any new role it wants in your family.
  • The exile will flood us with too much emotion. Explain you will stay in Self and the protector can come back in to intrude if it feels too much emotion is coming in.
  • There isn't any point in getting to know the exile. You might be able to heal the exile and integrate a healthier self.

Step 6: Getting To Know An Exile

If you've made it to this step, congratulations! You have a healthy enough relationship with your parts they are letting you peer deep into your psyche.

Lets set the right mindset to be working with an exile. Healing isn't about silencing these younger parts of ourselves--it's about sitting with them in their darkness until they remember what light feels like. Like coaxing a wounded animal from its den, we must approach with infinite patience and unwavering compassion.

Here's some questions you can ask to get to know an exile:

• Tell the exile you are willing to feel some of its emotions as long as it doesn't flood you.
• Does the part have some name, bodily experience, or image?
• How old is the part?

If you feel the exile trusts you enough to proceed to the healing process, this is what you can do:

• Witnessing: What is the exile feeling and what made it feel that way? Allow yourself to witness any memories or images that come up.
• Do-over: Go back through that image or memory and do it over in your imagination with the exile, letting your Self do whatever the exile feels it needs to in order to heal.
• Retrieval: Ask the exile if it would like to be taken out of that image or memory into somewhere else and let your Self take it there.
• Unburdening: Identify the burdens, painful feelings or beliefs the exile would like to release. Ask the exile how it would like to release these burdens i.e. through fire, water, earth, air, or whatever.
• At each step of the process check if the exile is feeling heard and responding positively. If not, ask what is holding it back.
• Follow up with the exile over the next few weeks.

Step 7: Integration

As these parts of ourselves begin to trust again, they transform like ice melting back into the river - still themselves, but no longer frozen in the past--now flowing now with the larger current of who we're becoming.

There are just a couple more steps to facilitate this integration:

• Check back in with the original protector and see if it realizes the exile has been healed. Show it the exile if necessary.
• Ask the protector if it would like a new role in the psyche or to go on vacation. For example, a part of me used to make me eat at strict eating schedules even at the detriment of seeing friends to protect me from starving myself as I did dieting during COVID-19. I gave that part the new role of trying to help me eat healthy food and helping me ascertain when I was satiated while eating a meal.

Example IFS Session

I began the session with a short breathing meditation to get embodied. Three deep breadths. On the last one I inhaled as much air as I could even after the first inhalation so I could get as much of that Big O as possible.

I knew I wanted to work on my feelings of cynicism and occasional difficulty talking to woman. The problem is not the fear of talking--I do enough stupid shit already I don't have to fear embarrassing myself--it's the tiredness I feel regarding the whole dating process after more than two and a half years of two long term relationships, and many many dates.

I began step one bringing up a part I have known for a while--Glockta--a protector who feels cynicism to the whole process of romantic dating. Often, it's helpful to imagine a setting you are talking to the part in instead of in the abstract. So I sat alongside Glockta in my apartment on the couch. I began step two assessing how Glockta was feeling regarding now:

Aidan: How are you feeling?
Glockta: I'm tired. The winter break for Cornell is starting up soon. You've been trying to date this whole last semester but it just takes so much effort to find someone, go on a date, assess if you would like to go on another, and most likely not have it work out in the end.

At this point I began feeling a little annoyance, and knew I was blending with another part. So in step three, I tried figuring out who it was. It was Aurelius.

Aurelius: of course it's hard--that's the whole point. Getting into a relationship is meant to help you grow. If it wasn't hard, this growth wouldn't happen.
Glockta: but it shouldn't be this hard. It feels like most Cornell students are either too focused on grades to care about a relationship, just want a hook up, or lack the emotional maturity to get into a serious relationship.
Aurelius: that's fair, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't engage in the process at all. Is something being hard a good reason by itself not to do it?

I asked Aurelius if he would be willing to step away so I could talk to Glockta one on one. He did so freely, I have a good relationship with him so it wasn't too hard. I asked myself how I was feeling toward Glockta now, and could sense curiosity and compassion. I was in Self, allowing me to start step four with getting to know a protector.

Aidan: What are you trying to protect me from?
Glockta: Wasting your time. It's insane. Getting into a relationship is a full time job. You should be getting paid for this my guy. Imagine all the other things you could do with your time if not dating. You could spend more time writing, with friends, thinking about what you're going to do with your career after college. Speaking of which, you're graduating next semester--why are you trying to get into a relationship in the first place?
Aidan: That's fair, I appreciate and understand why you are trying to protect me from those things. What are you afraid would happen if you didn't protect me?
Glockta: You'd get your heart broken again. You'd feel lonely, frustrated by the girls you go out with. You'd stop yourself from the growth you might experience doing something else. You'd disconnect from your friends.

At this point Aurelius once again stepped in. These two are like white woman and sushi restaurants.

Aurelius: All those things are valid and all, but getting into a relationship even if it doesn't work out is one of the best things we could be doing with our time. It grows you so much. Think about the last two relationships we've been in. And all the dating we've done. Tell me, how much has your confidence, emotional intelligence, and more grown?
Glockta: I...

I thanked Aurelius for voicing his opinion but once again told him to step away so I could talk to Glockta. If he got any more incessant I might have had to make him the part I focused on. He stepped away and I was back in Self, so I knew I was ready for step five.

Aidan: Would you be willing to show me the exile you're protecting?
Glockta: Sure.

That was surprisingly easy, but once again, I've talked to both these parts a lot and have a trusting relationship with them. I found myself next to a little boy, I would say myself at around age 16. He's laying on the couch confused, heartbroken, dissapointed, and insecure. In Self, I feel an immediate sense of compassion and curiosity, allowing me to move onto step six and seven.

Aidan: What's your name?
Exile: I'm Lost Boy.
Aidan: From Neverland. Sorry I couldn't help myself. What made you feel the way you do now? I'm willing to experience some of those feelings as long as you promise not to flood me too much with them.
Lost Boy: Sure.

Aidan: I imagine myself at 16, sitting on the couch at the house of a girl who had invited me to a dance at her school. I had never been on a date before. I didn't know what to do. We watched a movie together but I didn't have the confidence to do anything else. Another memory flashes through me. I'm sitting with a girl looking out at the slope of Cornell after a three hour long date. We kiss. I feel butterflies. I walk her back to her dorm and call it a night walking back with a jump in my step. She proceeds to ghost me and I feel a mixture of confusion, disappointment, and insecurity. Another memory: I'm at the climbing wall with a graduate student for a date. Every single thing I say she somehow relates to neuroscience. She is obsessed with school, and I'm unable to talk about anything intimate. While she was incredibly attractive, I found it impossible to connect with her and felt lonely. Despite having three memories, I intuitively sense which one to do-over. Lost Boy, would you be willing to let me re-experience that memory at 16 sitting on the couch with the girl?
Lost Boy: Sure.
Aidan: We're both sitting on the couch as we watch The Mandalorian. The Lost Boy is sitting awkwardly on the other side far from her. I move myself to sit beside her as the episode ends. I ask her all about what got her into Star Wars and tell her about the stories close to my heart from video games and fantasy. I tell her how much I enjoyed talking to her mom and more about my family. She leans closer. I tell her she looked incredible in the dress she was wearing at the dance. I bring the Lost Boy over and allow him to go in for a kiss (unconsensual of course. I’m joking of course it was entirely consensual!). I smile as they talk about what they liked regarding each other and things they would like to do together in the future. Lost Boy, would you like to be taken somewhere else to release your burdens?
Lost Boy: Let's go back home to Hamilton. The fireplace!
Aidan: I take the Lost Boy to the fireplace in Hamilton. What burdens would you like to release now?
Lost Boy: The belief that relationships aren't worth the effort. That I'm not good enough to be with someone. That relationships being hard are a reason not to engage in them.
Aidan: The Lost boy writes these all down on a piece of paper and puts them into the fire. I feel a light glow in my chest, a weight being taken off my shoulders, and an airiness in my feet. I promise the exile I will follow up with it over the next few weeks and see how it is doing. The exile feels understood and glad at being heard.

I decide to check back in with Glockta to see how he's doing.

Aidan: How are you feeling now Glockta?
Glockta: Better, I'm glad you talked to Lost Boy, and think things will be better in the future. I still feel some cynicism toward the whole process, but I'd like to try performing a different role in the psyche.
Aidan: What might that role be?
Glockta: Perhaps I could turn the cynicism into practically and lightheartedness. Maybe I've been feeling cynical because I go in with the expectation I might find a long term relationship with every woman I talk to. Instead of treating the process with so much weight, I could help you enjoy it for itself. Just connect with another human being. Have some fun. Get to know their interests. I could still protect you from investing too much time into something which won't work out, especially since you're graduating next semester, but you never know, maybe something will work out. After all, dad got into a relationship in his Senior Spring!
Aidan: That sounds awesome. I'll check back in with you over the next few days to see how that's going.

What a wonderful session! I finished the session feeling radiant, and excited to go about the rest of my day. This is IFS at its best. When you have done the work to get to know and trust your parts allowing the integration of your psyche.

IFS In The Long Run And Caveats

While it would be awesome if IFS were like a magic drug you take once and are good for life, it's not. Like eating your vegetables, it takes consistent hard work to see the best results.

You must build trust gradually. Work with parts that are less charged before moving onto ones which seem to hold more burdens. Consistently check back in with parts every week and hold your promises toward them.

The psyche is an infinite unfolding story taking place within the bookshelves of your mind. As you read one book, it reveals characters with their own books, each narrative deepening your understanding of all the others. Peering deeper into the psyche helps you peer deeper into the world which helps you peer deeper into the psyche which helps you...

It's important to note that IFS works best when integrated with other therapies and coaching methodologies. For example, having a grasp of focusing can be incredibly helpful for leveraging your bodies innate wisdom. Understanding a little about psychotherapy can help you appreciate the effect childhood has on our present selves. Learning about Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can give you more appreciation for the way thoughts can shape your feelings and behaviors.

Sometimes giving advice or coaching in a way that leads to more practical external solutions is the way to go. For this a fantastic book I would recommend is Coach The Person Not The Problem By Marcia Reynolds. Therapy is fantastic at navigating internal problems that create external ones. But when it comes to more externally related problems it can often fall short.

If you find it hard to do this on your own, there is no shame in getting support when needed. One of my best friends is trained in IFS therapy, as well as books on the subject--a great starting point is Self-Therapy by Jay Early. If you think it's possible you can also ask a friend to hold space for you while going through a session. If they know IFS great! They can provide a more leading role. But often, just having someone listening to you as you go through the process can help with focus and strengthen the relationship through trauma bonding--double plus good!

By continually practicing IFS, I intend to turn my internal family reunion from a chaotic mess of drunk uncles and judgmental aunts into something more like a wholesome Disney movie. Though hopefully with less piano playing - my parts are many things, but musicians material they are not. What could your family reunion be?

💡My Best Insights:

P.S. Some of the links below are Amazon affiliate links.
📖Book - The Nature Fix: we all feel better after spending some time in nature. But why? And why don't we do it more often? This book seeks to answer those questions and more.
📺YouTube Video - Why you should worldbuild: Worldbuilding is one of the most interdisciplinary creative mediums out there. It can incorporate history, writing, drawing, religion, and so so much more. It's why I'm super curious to get into worldbuilding when I play more Dungeons And Dragons this following spring semester